My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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