please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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