the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize