I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
