Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
