is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
