Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize