I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
