I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
