theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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