Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
a search helicopter?!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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