the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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