Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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