I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
