We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
