before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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