turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
