when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
