they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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