I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
