in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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