we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
