i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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