The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
