the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I party with great urgency now.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
