I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
