I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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