Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
