I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
