I want to walk on stilts...naked
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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