Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
