Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
