What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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