Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
