Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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