I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How's work?
Spinning.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
