Will you blow on my dice?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
