So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She bit a glass in half.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
