Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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