Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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