I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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