After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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