Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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