as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
