Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
