How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
