Pappa wants mamma naked
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize