Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
