I'm gonna have a badass scar
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
