Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
