I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
