That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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