things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
