I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
