Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
a search helicopter?!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
