I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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