you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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