Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
