Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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