This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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