Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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