hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
