Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
